In thinking about what it's like to live in China, one cannot disregard the influence that relationships will have on your stay there. The better you are at making and keeping friends, the more enjoyable your stay will be. While this may seem simple if you have already achieved some measure of success in relationships in your current culture, it does not necessarily translate to success in Chinese culture.

In figuring out what's the best way to make friendships in China, let's take a look at some essential principles. Some will be universal, while others will be specific to Chinese culture. As you take note of these, it will help you to find the best way to developing strong friendships while abroad.

Getting Started

Some of the basic principles that seem to be cross cultural include, being friendly, exploring what the other person enjoys, and investing time and effort into the relationship. First, going out of your way to smile or initiate an introduction or conversation are a great way to demonstrate friendliness. Then, keeping the conversation focused on the other person and asking questions that enable them to share their life story are essential. Finally, designating time and energy to meet with the person again or to send a note or token of appreciation will show your investment and desire that the relationship continue.

How to Train Your Ear

In Chinese culture, certain elements remain hidden from the average observer. You will definitely notice this as you continue to make friends and build relationships. Often, important concepts and motivations are not communicated directly. If the other person thinks something is important, you will probably NOT hear about it.

So, how do you decipher what is important to the other person? First, notice what they spend much of their time and energy on. Even without saying, they are indicating that certain activities are important to them. Second, notice what they spend their money and worry on. The situations they worry about the most are often the most valuable to them.

If you ask direct questions, expect that the subject will be changed or that you may receive an answer that is untruthful. Keeping the peace is far more important, and many in Chinese culture attempt to do so by being indirect. By using a mask of hiding their own thoughts and desires, they have the opportunity to bring peace or please others. This is a highly valued trait.

Finally, since words are often obscured in general terms, you will need to determine the underlying meaning. Although this feels like you must constantly read between the lines, it will be good for developing your skills of perception. In Chinese culture, the listener has the responsibility to understand the communication, rather than the speaker communicating with clarity.

How Can I Identify Underlying Motivations?

This topic was separated, although related, from the others in order to impress upon you the difference and importance. The reason why someone is speaking or behaving in a certain way will often be at a loss to you at first. Although you will learn this over time, it is important to note that hidden motivations do not necessarily mean hidden agendas. At the same time, Chinese "friends" who approach you may have a reason for doing so. The sooner you are able to discern why, the easier it will be to build trust and continue with the relationship. May these principles help you in making friends in China!